Written in 2020.
I used to think generosity was a fixed trait.
Something you either had or did not. A baseline you could rely on, in yourself and in others.
Over time, that idea stopped making sense.
Patience, kindness, and goodwill fluctuate. They respond to pressure, fatigue, fear, and uncertainty. When life narrows, so does capacity. What looks like indifference is often exhaustion.
I noticed it in myself first.
The urge to help did not disappear, but it became selective. Conditional. Tied to how much room I had left rather than how much I cared.
That was uncomfortable to admit.
But it was also clarifying. Expecting constant altruism ignores the reality of limits. It turns generosity into a performance rather than a choice.
Understanding that shift made me slower to judge. More careful with assumptions. Both about others and about myself.
Some days there is more to give.
Some days there is not.
Neither state needs explaining.
And I am better at recognising the difference now.