26 November 2016
Back in the early 90s, Queen Elizabeth II marked the 40th anniversary of her accession by describing the year as her annus horribilis.
She’d been dragged well outside her comfort zone by a run of personal disasters.
I know exactly how she felt.
Throughout 2016, I’ve written at length about the various calamitous events that have enveloped our family. I went into the year full of hope and optimism, focused on helping Karta prepare for the 11+.
Then we were kicked out of our home.
We had to move.
We got into debt.
And we watched Karta fail the Kent test. This was not his fault, and was not really a failure as such.
Rhona has been working hard at her job, maybe too hard after several years as a housewife and mother. It’s taken its toll on her. My mum was taken seriously ill and, for a while, it looked as if she might die. My nan had a nasty fall and broke her hip. Thankfully, they both survived.
In June, I was supposed to return to Le Mans for the 24-hour race, but the house move and the brutal drain on our finances put paid to that. We did manage a couple of weeks away later in the summer, our first proper holiday in what felt like years, but it ended quickly. Reality bit hard as September rolled in.
Karta sat and failed his 11+ days after returning to school. That hit all of us, especially him. We shouldn’t have put him through it.
With stress levels rising, we ploughed through birthdays, school open evenings, and longer working hours just to keep our heads above water. Now Christmas looms, with all the fragile hope that it brings. As I write this, my head is full of financial worry and an overwhelming sense of being rudderless.
Self-employment is the only viable way forward for me. It’s the only place I can bring all my skills to bear. I’ve begun telling clients that my rates will rise from January. One or two have already walked away. It stings more than I expected.
There’s something quietly brutal about asking to be paid what you’re worth and being told you can be replaced for less. It makes you question yourself. A lot.
A kick in the balls, but also a wake-up call.
2017 is just over the hill, and I’m determined to make it one of the best years of my life. In the short term, we need to get our finances under control. In the longer term, we need to make a final decision about Karta’s schooling. I’ve also promised a couple of women in my life that I’ll finally deal with the last of the excess weight once and for all.
Early next year, I’ll be returning to photography properly. Hot rods. Rad bikes. Custom cars. I need to find my photographic voice again, not the one people think I should have.
Whatever happens, my mind is made up.
One of the shittiest years I can remember is going in the ground without a headstone.
2016 can fuck right off.
Until next time,
adieu.