20th of March 2017
I’m changing. In some ways, I feel like I’m turning back into the person I was when I was three or four years old. I know that sounds odd, but it feels true. Lately, memories from that time have been resurfacing.
We lived in Tilgate, in Crawley. My dad was still around. We were in a quiet cul-de-sac, not far from the forest. I walked to my first school. There were other children to play with in the street. I remember feeling happy.
Those memories are mixed with darker days, too. Days when my mum and dad fought. Arguments about money. My mum later told me it was because of my father’s infidelity and the lies that followed. Even so, those early years stand out as among the happiest I can remember.
Part of me feels sorry for that little boy. His potential was gradually compressed under expectation and poor choices that weren’t his to make. The divorce came. My mum chased the good times. The saving grace was my grandparents and the home they gave us. It wasn’t perfect, but it was safe. I lacked guidance, but I was loved.
Anyway. I digress.
Happiness really is a state of mind. Stepping away from social media has given me the space to think properly about the second half of my life. That thinking hasn’t produced neat answers, but it’s raised the right questions. I know now that I need to move on. Something new is beginning.
Which brings me to the practical bit.
I need to get a job.
I’ve tried and failed at plenty of things since losing my role as a cinema technical manager back in 2012. Becoming a house husband was something I’d dreamed about for years, and that did happen. But it also allowed my head to stay in the clouds for too long. Dreaming is useful, but it doesn’t always pay the bills.
I’ve thrown myself at ideas repeatedly. Some were good. None produced a reliable income, except for web design and social media work. Even that never quite became enough.
People say you should love your work. Be passionate about it. Fanatical, even. I’ve done that. Unfortunately, it’s also allowed people to take advantage of me. Too much of the work I’ve done has been underpaid. When I finally found the courage to insist on fair pay, clients walked away, saying I was suddenly too expensive.
It’s soul-destroying.
Why does valuing your time and skill result in losing work? No one ever seems able to explain that. So I’ve stopped trying to square that circle.
From now on, my job is finding a job.
I know what I need to earn. I know, deep down, that I can do it. Until then, I’ll take on a small amount of freelance work, but only what’s necessary. I’ll take each day as it comes. Meditation and mindfulness help. I’m starting to see the wood again, despite the trees.
With clarity comes focus. With focus comes confidence. And with that, I can finally let go of what no longer serves me, while carrying the right things forward into whatever comes next.
Until next time,
adieu.